modernator

"there are only two types of stories: either someone
comes and knocks on the door, or someone goes on a
journey."
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noise becomes sound pollution
drowning out every last audible note.
white noise melds with sirens.
those piercing sirens! they carry me into a
shallow, muffled coma.
when will the crust begin to fall from my eyes?
i am longing to awaken.
graze your healing fingertips across my rosy cheeks.
i consider it a modern tragedy that
i can't see, can't hear, can't feel, and am
ceasing to be. slowly...
please bring me back into my mundane existence.
it's the one thing that i long for.
oh, to hear the darkness bubbling over
with rattles and clanks, then
fusing harmoniously with symphonies
only an angel can sing. it is glorious,
joyous, and pristine! the gray area; the gray matter
holds me firmly in your love.
your voice penetrates my empty ears.
my hollow, broken auditory vessels become filled.
then, you complete me.
the pollution dissolves and all becomes clear.
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thought flash. vaporize- gone...
another proverbial atomic bomb levels the
brain. it's like too much cocaine.
saliva drenched chin. bloody bursting eyes.
thoughts become atomized. finish the wine.
bomb, bomb, bomb that line!
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xerox a statement and put it everywhere.
don't contribute to this sick materialistic society.
sitting in the bathroom while the camera's rolling,
everyone loves exactly how detached you guys come off.
works is finally empty. you've got that h in your veins.
chronic coughing, stomach pains.
march ushers in a slow descending spiral.
you've got bloody holes blooming.
they let your ego bleed out.
love won't save you, shotgun to your mouth.
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my eye is peeled open like a light green chardonnay grape.
it is rolling down the street unraveling the whispered fates.
follow me, follow me. whisper into my blown-out ears.
put a twist of your lust in my drink and i will drink it down.
it's three thirty in the morning. it's a monday. i am spent.
i put another hole in my empty life. i am reborn just to repent.
take a risk and cut me down from the tree where you left me hanging.
tether me to the bike rack while the world watches me strangling.
you tip your glass and stare up through the bottom to the dark moon.
the moon brightens up this twisted scene illuminating all my faults.
peel the skin back from my chardonnays.
remember where you strung me up and lept to cut me down.
tether me and we will breed while the world watches on.
me eyes; they flicker in and out, you stand naked and i shout.
tap my skull with your cold ball pein hammer.
tiny fragments stab and stimulate my mind.

gates//skies

here we sit at the gates of a place i cannot name.
it is the place where all majestic creatures come to die.
this is the place that makes everything worth it.
this place is one i cannot speak of.
i twist my fingers around the wrought gates.
they were forged by human hands far before i was born.
these gates hold me from life's answers.
beyond them lay those kings and queens of the kingdom.
they are the fallen whose ivory taken from them has been carved and crafted.
here we sit at this erie place.
this is the one place where i feel at home with those like me.
i find peace and i seek answers amidst the carcass-strewn elephant graveyard.

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blue skies light my skin on fire.
i'm certainly going to scream.
in a dream where i have seen your face,
i've realized there's more to life.

my legs are numb. i really can't feel them.

the mountains have been dusted with the ashes of my critics.
i can't believe that while i relapsed they made me out to be a cynic.
they paralyzed me with their intrusive stares until all of me went numb.
how'd i let those critics steal my brain and saw away my tongue.
their stares pierced my lungs and exacted precious amounts of air.
at that given moment in time i was the only child breathing there.
i closed my eyes and slowly drifted on a journey back through time.
the mountains sat there freshly dusted in an ash that smelled of mine.
the streets were lined with glitter and i saw all my critics rejoice.
i flooded the air with nerve gas and placidity waiting for one last voice.



this day's become prolonged and excessive.
simply living's become quite a feat.
if i get dragged up those shoddy steps, who's going to stop them?
stand up and stare me in the eye.
these eyes have always been cool, calm, crushed spheres of cobalt dust. this day drags on like the how long, how long blues.
stop me from making the same mistakes that they've made so many times before.
if i am drugged out of my mind and they drag me by my spine,
will you split that red sea crowd?
please be my moses and through divinity get up on stage and rescue me.
i've been awake for far too many hours and everything's coming in blurry now. i have no idea where my blood has gone.
i think it's in someone else's veins.
if you should come across them let me know so i can split their tracks and reclaim my name.
this macrocosm sickens me, but it seems much better now that i can't see.
there used to be tranquility in these two baby blues.
i think the cloudy film on my dying eyes is going to stifle these hues.

hush. i'm not here.

don't come looking for me if i've gone missing for a while.
please don't bother as i watch the leaves and stare at the gathering pile.
all the sweet things come together in a symphony of sound.
i press my ear to the wall and hear someone on the other side start to drown.
fill the void that i've left open and throw some salt on my wounds.
if the door is locked don't bother knocking, just step into this room.
thrust it open like you care and when you see that i'm not there,
close your eyes and i will bolt back and bury myself deeply into you.

greensboro, nc.

if i could go blind just for a minute,
i'd hold your picture in my eyes.
i would heal you if i could feel you creeping deeper into my life.
thoughts are clashing and winds are crashing.
lucky for us we are safe inside.
by the fire we transpire tp slip into a corner where we can hide.
i've been weary but you don't fear me even when i'm locked inside.
when i am with you i go blind and let your image melt in mine.

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could you help me find the promises you made to me when we were young? it's no surprise that i've been searching for quite some time. if you accompanied me, you'd set me free. that's all i've ever wanted. take my hand. forget your plans. i've learned it's better to take things as they come. help me discover what it was that we shared when we were young. stare helplessly with me and never forget what we willed to life under the red setting sun.

i have.

i have heard roaring explosions.
i have seen bright flashing lights.
i have tucked in all the children.
i have laid awake at night.
i have always whispered to you.
i have wanted so hard to belong.
i have seen the most perfect views.
i have learned that it's time to move on.
i have wasted away nearly all of time.
i have frittered nearly all of the hours.
i have driven my car way too fast.
i have learned to make whiskey sours.
i have dreamed about love too many nights.
i have felt myself becoming drained of feeling.
i have dimmed the lights to an all-time low.
i have done a lot of incredible things.
i have failed to do so many more.
i have woken up on the other side of things.
i have pressed my face hard to the floor.
i have breathed with lungs deeply wheezing.
i have swam through the ocean.
i have walked through fields of corn.
i have shaken my way through stories of satan.
i have waited patiently for another me to be born.

girl

i met a girl with eight pins in her hair.
they were hand-crafted from bone.
there were countless minutes i stared.
she came with me while i searched for home.
walking beside me, she held up my map.
the day that i met her i never looked back.
her hair was soft-brown and her eyes bled deep green.
she gave me the strength to burst forth on the scene.
it seemed like hours that i stared at her face.
each moment alone was one more soft embrace.
her smile burned through my heart like a consuming flame.
i had only just met her but already i knew here name.
she knew of my life and all the troubles i'd had.
just one look at her brought me down off feeling sad.
i held her close in my eyes and she stayed there forever,
until one day i blinked and she was gone.

long night.

i see skeletons behind the glass and that's why i'm not moving too fast.
i don't want to be like them all dead and lonely with rotting skin.
all they do is sit and stare with empty eye sockets that have nothing there.
i wish that you could see the way they smile and scream all fucking day.
but you won't ever come inside, so i don't have to run and hide.
i'll hear your bony fingers claw for me, but only time will set you free.
underneath the crimson skies i have heard resounding cries.
the angels fell from heavens' guard with broken halos and wings all charred.
you called to me wondering if i could save you,
i just closed my eyes and this was long overdue.
your punishment will fit your crimes.
the skeletons will blister you with their spines.
you can claw at that glass but i won't let you inside.
i have lied and i've died with my arms open wide.
watch me as i writhe and wallow.
focus as my eyes grow hollow.
seek me at the temple of apollo for an ambiguous message:
i drink the secrets you swallow.
you've raped my past of any sense.
all i know is your ignorance.
you're emaciated and underfed,
you can try all you like, but i can't die if i'm dead.
devoid of reason and lacking thought you have become what i am not.
you're victim to your weakest hours and i'm set to rest on a bed of flowers.
your bones fracture and fall away.
there is nothing left to say.
decinigrate into the passing of time.
what's yours is yours and what's yours is mine.
if you keep trying to come in while i am drinking my wine,
i will break you and make you make love to your spine.

8.12.08.

the turning tide out at sea has churned out souls helplessly stuck in their memories. children on the shore keep getting drunk on their lemonade dumping spoonfuls of sugar into their glasses as they look for lost souls to save. their toes sit hidden in the sand as the spirits who float forgotten swim in vain towards the land. somewhere an oil tanker hit the dump valve and the ocean will become slick within an hour. the kids get drunk on their lemonade and staring out, it suddenly tastes sour.

underneath this sheltered dwelling you can hear the wind blowing or see the sun swelling. i've got flecks of gold in my eyes and they've been there for days but i don't know if they're there forever or just a passing phase. we all go through the motions and drown ourselves in different oceans. the ocean roll over and swallow us whole so baby let's just pack one more bowl. smoke will roll out of this dwelling we've built and we'll say goodbye to our worries and farewell to our guilt. we'll sleep below ground and without a sound, i will follow so hollow until i've swallowed you down.

my hair is falling out. it must be all the drugs i took.
my cock is oozing bad love. it must be all those hips i've shook.
please take a look at me and realize i'm not so bad.
please take a look at me and realize i won't get mad.
my eyes are glassy red. it must be the allergens.
please take a look at me and realize i'm a sin.

if you want me to stay

i've been staring out on the city and the lights on this hill seem faded.
have you ever wondered if we could make it past being outdated?
i've taken out my notebook and i've sketched you laying in the sun.
underneath the smile that you wear, there's a war that can't be won.
if you could make it back to me, i'd hold you in a sweet embrace.
if you could look into my eyes, i'd wipe those tears right off your face.
it's getting colder every night, but it's getting warmer every day.
your love's what holds me close to you when there's nothing we can say.
everyone's stuck wondering what we have figured out.
what they don't know won't hurt them, girl, so come on let's stick this out.
stars turn dim and my world spins until i fall and crawl.
i'm trying to find my way back to you and give you my all.
we've looked for mother nature's face so she could smile and heal us.
i've been staring out on the city with all the lights faded and it all seems like a bust.

stomach, churn. brain, learn. eyes, see. love letters, burn.

i hear you're starting up a new life and i hear you've been staring out your window. it's been months since i've seen cobwebs collect as quickly as these do. there are so many voices carrying on with stupid stories waiting for me to stifle them and let their throats fill up with dust. it's been months since i have smiled. it's been months since i've been happy. it's been months, months, months upon months. have you ever felt like i do now? i hear that things have been going well. you're still connected to the rythym deep within these veins. fill me with ice, fill me with fire. let me feel the way i used to. let me feel something, one thing, anything at all. i've been mulling over the little things letting the cigarettes burn down. i've been waiting for another cold needle to stab me and let me smile through all of this pain. the world simply becomes copasetic when i get that anaesthetic. forgive me i sound prophetic, but you'll probably always be this pathetic. i hear your mind's been filled with cobwebs. i hear your throat has been coated with dust. when they jab me with that needle, i'll live to lust. oh, this i must.

river flowing, blue clouds snowing

baby, there's sand beneath my toes and a gentle breeze over my skin.
i've been sitting here just waiting for you to let me in.
let me into the thoughts you've got. i've been waiting under the weight of this sun, and believe me it's getting hot.
there's warmth under my skin.
this is something sweeter than sin.
i've been wondering what things may come,
underneath the bright bruised sun.
everything's been complicated.
everyone's been feeling broken and jaded.
we can move past all these obscurities,
and cleanse our souls in purity.
there's so much i want to say at the end of the day,
then i hold your hand and let it all slide away.


she dreams of perfect things and pristine days.
i lose my thoughts in an overgrown maze.
to see the world come crashing down is such a sight to see.
there's pretty things all around and when i finally come crashing down,
off this high that she can't have, the world will set me free.
her dreams are produced in technicolor,
and i haven't found any other girl who soothes my restless soul.
she's got me placid like a lake tucked in by mountains on every side.
in the deep refelective pool i can see someone standing next to me.
i close my eyes and when they open i'm still standing there alone.
she dreams up idyllic landscapes full of flowers; full of life.
i lose my thoughts in an overgrown maze,
only to find my way out through her guiding light.
when my heart finally slows down enough to make out a steady beat,
i lose myself in a maze of her dreams and drift slowly off to sleep.
in the morning i wake up and my thoughts dissolve back.
it was only another momentary lapse.
i fade in and out, and i stumble about.
tell me why all good things always go wrong?
when it rains in the summertime and it snows in the winter,
i always feel so empty and bitter.
does she even know she's got a hold of me?
i guess with time i'm going to see.
i'm blind to whatever else may arise.
you crashed into me hard with those soft brown eyes.

i've been walking over needles waiting for the day to break.
my feet are raw and bleeding, and my brain is now receding.
we've been through hell together but it doesn't mean a god-damned thing.
i think i'm comatose...
i can't string together enough any thought.
i've bled out on the street and everyone else has given up on me.
the needles have grown about ten inches long,
and pierced me straight through marrow and bone.
there's a special needle just for me.
they've marked a target on my brain stem.
when the hollow needle's pushed in, i forget whre iam ant howw to feeal.;'

i stitched the broken pieces of your torn world back together hoping to make it right. i have fixed those broken wings that made it impossible to fly. if you want to leave this world now, baby it's okay. i gave you small feeble wings and just a gleam of hope. i just want to let you know that it's all okay.

have you seen the bridge?
have you seen the bridge to nowhere?
i haven't heard anything new.
i think that everything's gone cold.
there's a bridge around here somewhere, but i can't tell you where it is for sure. i think that someone's coming around soon to direct which way to go.
all across this cold dark place, everybody's saving face.
i'm waiting for some stones to fall like waterfalls and take me to the bridge.
the bridge isn't over water. it's a bridge still waiting to come.
don't develop into something that i know that you are not.
like a sick creeping disease sucking the life right out of me,
i will find you where my answers lay beneath that broken bridge.
underneath the streaking stars i have seen so many cars and it seems to me that they're all looking for a bridge to take them home.
the truth is something concrete but i know that i cannot keep rambling on about bridges and feelings. this is something that i can't do.
have you seen the bridge to nowhere?
i think it's somewhere inside of you.