Thursday, January 18, 2007
alleyway
from the alleyway, they came towards me. they were neither truely alive nor truely dead. they became decrepit and sickly, and all my life flashed before my eyes. why do they all have guns? why do they all have bombs? i watched them with burning eyes and they knew that death was in the air. they lingered about a yard away, with the stench of death on their breath. their teeth were ginsew knives, and their lips were blistered and bloody. in the sockets where i expected eyes, i saw glowing embers stare at me from beyond the brains. i tried to find a happy place. i replayed the part in the movie where there were three happy things. a guitar, a television, and a half-smoked cigarette. they danced in front of each other. they were happy because i was happy. i created my own makeshift toking apperatus and had cleared nearly an ounce by myself. my mind was watching the tantilizing images. i looked to my happy place, and felt the euphoria. i felt the earth rise up in me. i watched the leaves blow down the alleyway. i was back with these rotting death machines. they wanted to do me in. this alley smelled of rape, torture, and every sickening thing you could imagine. i tried to find my happy place. it was somewhere behing the dumpster at the end of the alley. i dove behind the green monster, and found my happy place. it was there, and it called to me. i dove into it. i was no longer in the alleyway. those twisted bastards that tried to kill me were no longer anywhere in sight. i was back where i had been. i was in my room, with the lights dimmed low watching the epic unwinding of a rockstar named pink. i smiled being back im my happy place. here, the mushrooms swayed in the breeze, and the people rarely came out to scare me. all those people living in those caps frightened me but when they stayed inside everything seemed like it was perfect.
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Wednesday, January 10, 2007
me against the world
sometimes, when the winter comes...i want rain. and this winter, there was more rain than snow. i thought that'd make it happier, but it didn't. it was cold, and rainy...and i still can't put a word to the feeling it evokes inside of me. the one warm thing that's gotten me through the cold rainy days is leah, and i love her for that. i don't know how to be right now. i don't know how to feel. i really just want to fade away. i want to be a hidden part of the intricate workings of the world. i want something that i'm not even sure i know exists.
i don't know if i want college right now. this first semester raised some serious doubts in my mind. i just don't feel that i'm ready. my grades back that up. i got an AB, F, D, W, and I. W is for the math class i chose to withdraw from, and the I is an incomplete for my sociology class. i just feel like i've become more of a failure than what i was. my mom told me how dissapointed she was in me when i told her that i wanted to take a year's break. i nearly cried then. i'm starting to cry right now. there's a sense of being incomplete that i constantly feel. i need to start making concrete decisions on my own.
i'm getting my passport soon. sometime this week if i can manage. i want to go overseas to europe. most likely amsterdam, but maybe italy. i just wish my family would support me for this. i want to go and take in the culture and apply it to my life. i want to take my book over there and break some more ground on that, and i want to take a sketch pad over there and come up with some art. i want to get away, because i know that my motivation doesn't lie in these parts. at the same time, i don't want to leave. the best part of my life is here, and she's so damn important to me. i'm confusing myself thinking about it.
i'm going to head to the post office tomorrow to get some information on obtaining my passport. if by chance anyone has any tips, feel free to let me know. i just need to get out on my own, and do something. never in my life have i really done something out in the world on my own. there's over six billion people in the world, and i've never even seen a million. the most people i've seen at the same time have been couped up in sporting stadiums or elsewhere. i just want to see some of the faces that i have vertainly never seen before, and take a little bit from other places and apply it to my own life. i want to finish my book, and be sucsessful. i also want to find other mediums to express art. i want to get away from the norms. i just want to get out of here for a while.
somebody should help me.
anybody who can help me should help me.
all i want is peace within the confines of my mind.
all i need is comfort, now more than i think i ever have before.
i have a headache now.
i'm going to stop writing.
a little bit of 2pac may help losen my problems.
if that doesn't work, i have animals on backup.
Currently listening :
Me Against the World
By 2Pac
Release date: By 10 March, 1998
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Saturday, January 06, 2007
no one reads these anymore. or at least no one comments...
Category: Writing and Poetry
the shillouette of a paper doll dances on my window sill.
the echoes of childhood laughter run up and down the street.
this street is my spine, and these houses are my vertebrae.
slip into the third. the paper doll was trimmed too thin.
everyone was screaming, but you held my attention with a laugh.
everyone knew what they wanted to know.
but you were different. you slid down my vertebrae with fingers like twisted icicles. the fluid tapped straight through my spine and left me to gasp for air.
some called me a heavy drinker. they didn't know me too well.
some called me a chronic smoker. they didn't know me too well.
it's cold outside and it's only getting colder.
the paper doll on my window sill is shivering in the air.
her fingers are like yours, and my spine is wanting more.
go ahead and take me to the sacred place tonight.
six vertebrae tap sweet notes for satan.
one more penetrates the paper doll.
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Tuesday, January 02, 2007
title goes here
Flitter away like the birds in the sky
as the seconds and minutes and hours pass by.
We lift our hands through the cold winter air
waiting to see, but no one is there...
No one will open the doors if everyone's tucked in their beds,
and no one will see what you're thinking if you do it inside of your head.
When we look to the skies,
we can see the thoughts rise.
We take refuge in what we know is right
and everything falls upward in a spiral of light.
Kissing each other before bedtime each night,
and crawling so closely to what we are thinking
but never quite there, we just keep on drinking
from the waters that fuel our constant plight...
Our ever-knowing knowledge and our quest for the light...
That's right!
That's right!
Yeah, the seconds tick away and the hours seem to stay
like the minutes in a game that we just don't know quite how to play...hey, hey!
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Thursday, December 28, 2006
fucked up am i so here i lie and words cannot hurt feelings.
Category: Writing and Poetry
a couple of days ago,
a scratch on my cornea told me so.
the sun rises in the east and falls off the western face.
set in a daze like the lure of a screen,
showing fictious sets of make believe and fields vibrant green.
a spark ignites the innocent and all they are is a flame.
the scarecrow in the field bows his head and sees his shame.
burn scarecrow burn, and your soul rise up in smoke.
as you settle and you dissapate, i pray you don't lose hope.
one layer peeled back, like a grape with flavor to spare.
come on this journey with me to a time,
when i could touch and heal
and see and speak
and calm with waters like mystery.
the people came to me and said,
"a scratch on your cornea told you so,
and tell us all before you go,
what is this force that holds us here?
is is tradition, or is it fear?"
a sad reply their way soon came,
"i cannot come and answer this,
for what i'd say would no longer be
the thing that you'd expect of me."
i stared long and hard,
and not a shard
of bone marrow was found
in the herroin on the ground.
a screaming skull upon the hill beckoned for the colored pill.
in my right hand time raced by,
and slowed on down for my right eye.
a scratch on my cornea told me so.
direct me now for where to go.
in a sense, we are all the innocent.
set a flame with quite a scent.
do you see what we are made of?
flesh. bone. blood. mud. dust. rust. and tears.
form the line for fornication.
step right up and take a fuck.
form the line for complication.
step right up and pass the buck.
the waters are light, but we are lighter.
tread lightly and you shall see.
there is nothing here that makes sense.
not physics or gravity.
perhaps we all should pray we find
a way out of this curious bind.
and when it comes to the time that is set in my eye,
let the world see the hours fly on by.
Currently listening :
Tommy (1969 Original Concept Album)
By The Who
Release date: By 12 March, 1996
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Friday, January 12, 2007
thoughts and such. in progress (CURRENT HIATUS)
since the begining of time, i have struggled to find a time to enlighten the human race. now, i feel that it is time. though it's true these are only notes and observations scribbled down in the free seconds of a sociology class last week, they have bearing on all of our lives. i think it'd be best to just write them in the order they were scribbled (no matter how jumbled it may seem). forgive me if i try to preserve too much of my incoherence. it's what i do best. anyone who's actually read this far, leave me a comment so i can take you in a warm embrace and call you friend.
Why do others do what they do?
Human social behavior consists of and is understood by the structure of the behavior and the culture that determines the behavior!
WHY DO PEOPLE DO WHAT THEY DO?
The Bam Butti Tribe.
Work together as a collective group in order to achieve a common good. Work in intimate surroundings and have brilliant group proxemics. Despite being a group of about a thousand years old, they are still evolving and adapting. Have complex views and beliefs, but are a simple people. Share strong beliefs in spirits, demons, and witchcraft. Have absolute faith in the euphoria of marijuana and will travel miles to obtain a coveted blend of tobacco and marijuana. Obtain medicine from nature, and some do work, however the mind ultimately does the work and healing because they believe they believe in it.
Basic Social Orginization of Humans
Society
Societal Institutions
Social Groups
Individual
A family is an example of a social group. By having a family, you are automatically a part of a social group. Detached from your family (as an individual) you stand at the bottom. We achieve progress by building on what we've created. Change occurs because by building on what we've created. Change occurs because culture accumulates and gives large basis of culture. Enough culture explodes thus bringing about change. The enviroment stimulates cultivation and diversity of culture. Culture is dynamic (that is to say, always changing), but all societies contain the five institutions of family, government, economy, education, and religion.
So, I had a lot of shit that I added in here. I'd been writing solid for the last two hours. Then Myspace gave me a fucking error message and it all died. I thought it was backed up, but it wasn't. That, I guess, is my fault. Anyways. I wrote a lot, and it was great. I swear it. Now, this is only going to be a fraction of what it was. I need to write down a list of what I need to mention.
Consumerism
De-evolution
Okay. So, on to where I started two hours ago. The roles that we play in society. Everyone plays a role. You might be like me, and often find yourself saying, "Role? I'm an individual. I do what I want, not what someone wants me to do." That I'm afraid is a role in and of itself. We are all set up to play roles. From infancy, these roles take roots in us. We are all destined to be something. Not someone, but something. The main thing that we are is consumers. Which brings me very quickly to something special. My list of things I had planned on talking about.
First up is: CONSUMRISM!
We are all consumers. There's just no way around it. Even I am a consumer. A consumer is someone who consumes. That's simple enough, right? If a kid buys new shoes, a new CD, or a new videogame, then he's become one of society's friendly little consumers. There's more and more of these consumers emerging every year and as more come, they spend more money. Does it ever seem to you like there's someone watching you in your day to day life? It should seem that way, because there are people like that. They get paid to sift through place like Myspace and Facebook reading about our likes and dislikes, taste in music, looking at what we're wearing, and reporting back to companies so they can use this information in their favor. If the companies find something that a great number of kids are into, then they'll take that idea and run with it. They turn around and tweak our taste and then slap a big, fat price sticker on them. Kids who feel inadequate or just want to fit in, take the money from their pockets and fall in line with the newest trend (whatever it may be). Basically, these companies are doing everything in their interest to exploit what little control kids have over their money. They're going around hitting kids up for their weekly allowance, and pocket money they get from jobs. Amazingly, the exploitation of teenagers has become a multibillion dollar industry. Teens (and these days, even pre-teens) are forking over cash to be popular or something along those lines. But, don't get me wrong. What these companies are doing is fucking brilliant. Don't look at me like that. Seriously, if I could be making that kind of money, I'd do this in a heartbeat. Kids are giving them money. The companies don't have to steal, skim off the top, or anything. They just sit back and let teens give them money. You don't even have to do illegal things. There's no criminal activity involved. They legally get kids into the mindset that they have to spend, spend, SPEND! If I could make that kind of money, then I'd be marketing trends back to kids too. What's it mean to consume? Well, according to the dictionary, to consume is to destroy or expend by use. America then, by definition is full of the best damned consumers ever. We lead the world in consuming.
From calories, to natural resources, we consume the most. With 298,444,215 people, we account for 25% of the world's energy consumption. That's probably one of the most disproportionate statistics around. It's a lucky thing for us, that the rest of the world doesn't take consumption as seriously as us. If they were to step up to our disgusting level of consumption, then we'd be in for some serious shit. It's safe to say that we'd fuck ourselves over. In just a short amount of time, our world's resources would be gone. They'd all be used up at such a rapid rate that we'd have no time to recover. There'd be riots, slaughters, starvation, disease, and death. Think hypothetically here. If companies were able to achieve a marketing ploy the way they have in America in someplace like China, the results would be catastrophic. China, with a population of 1,313,973,713 people is roughly 4.4 times larger than the United States. Now, on energy consumption alone, they'd be using 110% of the world's resources. That's in addition to the 25% that Americans are using, meaning China and America alone depleted 135% of the world's resources. This of course doesn't take into the rest of the world, but you get the idea. 135% is greater than 100%, therefore the world would be staring at the realization that they have no more resources left. Consumerism's not such a good thing, is it? That's probably why they used to call tuberculosis (TB), "the consumption". Because much like the way that we destroy and use up our resources, TB destroys and expends all health left within the body until it is nothing, and until we run dry. Doesn't it feel good to know that we're all consumers!
Next up: De-evolution!
My next topic is the amazing concept of de-evolution. Remember in Super Mario Bros. when King Koopa was using that machine to change humans back into chimpanzees? That's sort of what's happening to us just not at as drastic a step. You might be wondering what's causing us to de-evolve. Well, it can't simply be pinned on one specific thing. It's a number of things not limited to but including television, school systems, the government, and some other important things that I'm probably overlooking. My first culprit behind the de-evolution of humanity is the school systems. In school, as early as elementary school, kids are introduced to several facts and statements that have no real-world relevance. When was the last time that you saw an elementary school child attend a class on the prevalence of terrorism and extremism overseas and at home? There is no class where we debrief young kids on our military, and why we delve into foreign affairs. There isn't even a class where kids can study what's happening to the world's resources. Teachers just blow that off and pretend that it's being taken care of. They'd be briefed on issues, and they'd have much more time to solve problems and to right wrongs. But sadly, our de-evolution has caused us to not really care anymore. Society doesn't give a shit what happens. There's this general consensus that it's all out of our control and that we can't do anything about it. It's that very attitude that does us in. It's that attitude that keeps us ignorant and causes us to struggle in our day to day quest for knowledge and enlightenment. Another one of the contributors to de-evolution is television (other forms of media can be included in this one too). The media is feeding our heads lots or pretty little bullshit stories that we really shouldn't care too much about. The media has caused the average American to become ignorant to the happenings of the world. Ask someone weather they know more about the Geneva Conventions or American Idol. More than likely, they can tell you plenty about American Idol, but struggle when it comes to the Geneva Conventions. Another fine example of this would be asking someone why Maher Arar is in the news as of late. Then, ask them what Willie Nelson was cited for a few days ago. Since entertainment and other trivial things have become falsified as newsworthy, there has been a loss in awareness. We wrap ourselves in whatever does the least to harm us and the most to consume us. Honestly, if I were to confront you about Maher Arar and tell you of his plight, that puts the immediacy of Willie Nelson to shame. People shouldn't give a shit that Willie Nelson was toking up and tripping out. Maher Arar was beaten with a fucking electrical cable by the Syrian government because we placed him on a terrorist watch list. Our government can be at fault on a more macrocosmic level than our school systems. They've essentially done the same thing that our school systems do, but in a deliberate attempt to shield us and provide a false sense of security. Our government has become pretty good at this. When there's things like Bush being taken aback by the accusation of threats being made against Pakistan, why would we give two shits about the Thai Military has ousted Thaksin in a brilliant military coup without taking one human life. They did what they needed to. It's the way we make things take priority over military coups, train derailments, and religious hostility from Muslims towards the Pope. Does anyone know what's going on in the world anymore and for that matter, does anyone give a shit?
I have a new topic for today. It's: PRIORITIES!
Lately, I've recieved a lot of comments about my priorities. Honestly, it's probably most aggravating when I have people telling me that I need to pick up hours at work. Then, when I ask them why, they tell me because I need money. This is true, but just for the sake of questions, I asked why I need money. The response I recieved shattered me. It was, "So you can be happy,". Hold the phone! I do not need money to make me happy. Sure, I can use it to make other people happy (or at least temporarily satisfied), but I have never found being broke to have a direct corelation on my happiness. This really irked me. I find happiness to be a priority, but above all I have one main priority in life. I want to discover myself, and find out who I really am. Self-acutalization. This will be my next topic, by the way. Is it so wrong to put myself first here? I don't think so at all. I think that maybe what most people are missing is their sense of self. Maybe if everyone chilled and took the time to find themselves, we'd all find our faces lit with smiles more. We're out there trying to find ourselves in the world, when we always end up drowning. If we swim inside ourselves and realize who we are, we can go from there. I guess all I'm really trying to get through in this paragraph is that I want my priorities to be my own. They may be ill-guided presently, but the only way to find out who I really am is to try and try and try. Trial and error. This is a system that I take no problems with. I will find myself, by myself, and within myself.
Next on the slaugher-block: SELF-ACTUALIZATION!!!
So, i don't know how many people are familiar with the concept of self-actualization, so first I'm going to introduce it. It's a concept that comes from the psychologist Maslow, and its the last step on his hiearchy of needs in human beings. The pyramid is illustrated below.
So as you can see, we have all gotten past the base of the pyramid. What we all strive for, is the self-actualization located at the top. This is the hiearchy of human needs, and personally, I have been identifying with myself and working towards the top. I have achieved security in my life. I know who I have to fall back on when I need them, and I know who won't be there for me. I feel safe constantly. Yes, I know that it seems odd, but even in situations that others deem unsafe or shady, I maintain a level of comfort and well-being. The social acceptance was a little tougher to tackle, but nonetheless I have. I understand that I (as well as the rest of the world) has a place in society. I have embraced that, and try to look at the postives of being in society. In society, we are well cemented amongst others who share the common ground of being in this with us. At all levels of society, we have comrades to accompany us along the way. It's splendid if you think of it. Self-esteem is one of the most pragmatic traits that a human can have. Everyone loves a person who is confident and believes in themself. It's easy to believe in yourself. Really, it is. There's only a few steps to this one. Make a list of all your flaws. Go ahead, and do it. Then, realize that these are only opinions that you have of yourself. Make another list of all the positive things about you. Smile about it. Concentrate on this positive list and realize how much truer it is than your previous list. That first list I told you to make is a total lot of bullshit. Not a word of it is true. Those are false thoughts, and it is imparitive to realize that they aren't true. Believe that you are truely beautiful. Listen for the next time someone pays you a compliment or expresses love towards you. These aren't just tangentorial expressions of speech. All human speech has meaning, and the meaning behind a compliment is genuine. Learn to take things for what they are worth. Don't look for sarcasm where it is not. Don't think that just because you woke up late you are any less beautiful. Just realize that you are beautiful, and be confident in this. All you have to do is accept it as truth, and then in all sense of the word, it becomes truth. The peak of human needs, is self actualization, and here I feel it's only right to quote Maslow on this. Below, you will find Maslow's eight ways to self-actualize. This is the part that I am working on now. It may take a while, but it'll be worth it.
Experience things fully, vividly, selflessly. Throw yourself into the experiencing of something: concentrate on it fully, let it totally absorb you.
Life is an ongoing process of choosing between safety (out of fear and need for defense) and risk (for the sake of progress and growth): Make the growth choice a dozen times a day.
Let the self emerge. Try to shut out the external clues as to what you should think, feel, say, and so on, and let your experience enable you to say what you truly feel.
When in doubt, be honest. If you look into yourself and are honest, you will also take responsibility. Taking responsibility is self-actualizing.
Listen to your own tastes. Be prepared to be unpopular.
Use your intelligence, work to do well the things you want to do, no matter how insignificant they seem to be.
Make peak experiencing more likely: get rid of illusions and false notions. Learn what you are good at and what your potentialities are not.
Find out who you are, what you are, what you like and don't like, what is good and what is bad for you, where you are going, what your mission is. Opening yourself up to yourself in this way means identifying defenses--and then finding the courage to give them up.
(still going.)
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Monday, September 18, 2006
sliding doors
Current mood: hungry
i've never really been a big fan of gwyneth paltrow. i mean, she was entertaining wearing a fat-suit in shallow hal, and she was a pretty good wendy in hook, but i just watched sliding doors(1998), and i think it was a very good movie. paltrow's acting was very elegant, and the premise of the movie was accentuated well by her ability to act as one character living as two. the movie is basically the story of a woman who loses her job and through some skip in time, splits to two simulaneous lives where both spawn from wether or not she made the train. in the one where she caught the train, she met a man on the train and chatted only to come home and find her boyfriend fucking some other woman in her bed. in the reality where she missed the train, she went to hail a cab and was mugged. while at the hospital getting stitches, she allowed her cheat of a boyfriend to finish his duty with the other woman and shower up. both realities play out and it makes for an intriguing watch. i was left with more questions than anything in this movie and when that happens to me, i consider it a damn good movie. go watch it!
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Sunday, September 03, 2006
BLOG
hey kids. i think i'm going to stay up late again. actually, an all-nighter. i hate going to work after a peacefull slumber. anyways, i was just going through an old art pad, and i found this thing i wrote on the fieldtrip to the milwaukee art museum. so, i decided to post the whole three part thing in here.
trapped under snow and ice.
she claimed she didn't know.
i fear the truth. i fear the truth.
her lies are my worst memories.
her half-truths are my best.
seems to me that she dosen't know.
all her ways cave in my chest.
trapped under snow and ice.
just a concave memory.
light fades into darkness.
i hear the harlots' reprsise.
moans and screams blend perfectly.
isn't it fucking perfect.
no surprises.
i close my eyes-and open wide-
and wait for her to crawl inside-stand
with me and watch the stars-be with
me as we make scars-but she's not
crawling- and i'm not breathing-the
stars wont shine when i know she's
leaving-too worried that i fucked up-the
light's on and no one's home.
scarlet smoke billows up
as we engage in silent fuck-all across
her body i fear the truth.
i know it too. but for tonight-
i'll play pretend. tempers swell
and then distend.
she claimed she didn't know- oh dear-
i fear she didn't care.
fading into twilight- the world stops to stare.
who really cares? who really cares?
contemplating leaving her- i know it's not fair.
i think i care- i think i care. how can i care-
this heavy heart tears the world apart. still i
see them-lights in hand-staring out across the
land. vacant heads-and hollow hearts. the light's
on and no one's home.
pressed up against my skin-ice-
cold to the touch. i'm trying so hard
to tell her i love her- i don't think
it would mean that much. maybe under
snow and ice- i'll see where her allegiance
lies- in her allibies.
in her watery eyes.
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Thursday, August 17, 2006
THINGS ABOUT ME
things to know about me? i'm a fun kid to hang out with if given the chance. if i don't know people, or am meeting them for the first time...then i tend to be really shy. only when i'm comfortable and feel accepted by people do i open up. i love to hang out with people, but there's an array of people out there who hate my guts which makes for intresting times all around. i'm constantly on my toes expecting the worst, but busting my ass off for the best. i'm really complicated, but then again so are all humans. i merely share this over-analyzed view that there's sometihng more to a person than is there. i judge people not on who they are, but rather who they know they are not and weather or not they believe in us. if they can undersatand that i believe in nothing more than what is there, than we get along fine. i also like to write, and as you can see i get long winded at times. i'm working on a novel, and so far it is pretty intresting. i also play soccer, and in my spare time i study the faces of those who are missing things. i adore seeing faces and reading into their lives. it's a pure rush every time i scan eyes and cheeks and lips and scars. every face is an intertwined story that leads me back to something or somewhere i have been. right now, i'm cutting myself off as i do often.
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